Author: Rae Allen

  • alive and free

    We are sailing on the seas for Jersey Clipper
    In search of things we yet have come to know
    We are sailing hard and looking for adventure
    We are alive and free
    Just being you and me
    Out on the rolling sea
    A thousand miles from home
    ~ from Jersey Clipper by Julian Shaw

  • Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.

    My first thought was, he lied in every word,
    That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
    Askance to watch the working of his lie
    On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
    Suppression of the glee that pursed and scored
    Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.

    What else should he be set for, with his staff?
    What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
    All travellers who might find him posted there,
    And ask the road? I guessed what skull-like laugh
    Would break, what crutch ‘gin write my epitaph
    For pastime in the dusty thoroughfare,

    If at his counsel I should turn aside
    Into that ominous tract which, all agree,
    Hides the Dark Tower. Yet acquiescingly
    I did turn as he pointed: neither pride
    Nor hope rekindling at the end descried,
    So much as gladness that some end might be.

    For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
    What with my search drawn out thro’ years, my hope
    Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
    With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
    I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
    My heart made, finding failure in its scope.

    As when a sick man very near to death
    Seems dead indeed, and feels begin and end
    The tears and takes the farewell of each friend,
    And hears one bid the other go, draw breath
    Freelier outside (“since all is o’er,” he saith,
    “And the blow fallen no grieving can amend”;)

    While some discuss if near the other graves
    Be room enough for this, and when a day
    Suits best for carrying the corpse away,
    With care about the banners, scarves and staves:
    And still the man hears all, and only craves
    He may not shame such tender love and stay.

    Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
    Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ
    So many times among “The Band”–to wit,
    The knights who to the Dark Tower’s search addressed
    Their steps–that just to fail as they, seemed best,
    And all the doubt was now–should I be fit?

    So, quiet as despair, I turned from him,
    That hateful cripple, out of his highway
    Into the path he pointed. All the day
    Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
    Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
    Red leer to see the plain catch its estray.

    For mark! no sooner was I fairly found
    Pledged to the plain, after a pace or two,
    Than, pausing to throw backward a last view
    O’er the safe road, ’twas gone; grey plain all round:
    Nothing but plain to the horizon’s bound.
    I might go on; nought else remained to do.

    So, on I went. I think I never saw
    Such starved ignoble nature; nothing throve:
    For flowers–as well expect a cedar grove!
    But cockle, spurge, according to their law
    Might propagate their kind, with none to awe,
    You’d think; a burr had been a treasure-trove.

    No! penury, inertness and grimace,
    In some strange sort, were the land’s portion. “See
    Or shut your eyes,” said Nature peevishly,
    “It nothing skills: I cannot help my case:
    ‘Tis the Last Judgment’s fire must cure this place,
    Calcine its clods and set my prisoners free.”

    If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk
    Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents
    Were jealous else. What made those holes and rents
    In the dock’s harsh swarth leaves, bruised as to baulk
    All hope of greenness? ’tis a brute must walk
    Pashing their life out, with a brute’s intents.

    As for the grass, it grew as scant as hair
    In leprosy; thin dry blades pricked the mud
    Which underneath looked kneaded up with blood.
    One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
    Stood stupefied, however he came there:
    Thrust out past service from the devil’s stud!

    Alive? he might be dead for aught I know,
    With that red gaunt and colloped neck a-strain,
    And shut eyes underneath the rusty mane;
    Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
    I never saw a brute I hated so;
    He must be wicked to deserve such pain.

    I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart.
    As a man calls for wine before he fights,
    I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
    Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
    Think first, fight afterwards–the soldier’s art:
    One taste of the old time sets all to rights.

    Not it! I fancied Cuthbert’s reddening face
    Beneath its garniture of curly gold,
    Dear fellow, till I almost felt him fold
    An arm in mine to fix me to the place
    That way he used. Alas, one night’s disgrace!
    Out went my heart’s new fire and left it cold.

    Giles then, the soul of honour–there he stands
    Frank as ten years ago when knighted first.
    What honest men should dare (he said) he durst.
    Good–but the scene shifts–faugh! what hangman hands
    In to his breast a parchment? His own bands
    Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!

    Better this present than a past like that;
    Back therefore to my darkening path again!
    No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
    Will the night send a howlet or a bat?
    I asked: when something on the dismal flat
    Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.

    A sudden little river crossed my path
    As unexpected as a serpent comes.
    No sluggish tide congenial to the glooms;
    This, as it frothed by, might have been a bath
    For the fiend’s glowing hoof–to see the wrath
    Of its black eddy bespate with flakes and spumes.

    So petty yet so spiteful! All along
    Low scrubby alders kneeled down over it;
    Drenched willows flung them headlong in a fit
    Of mute despair, a suicidal throng:
    The river which had done them all the wrong,
    Whate’er that was, rolled by, deterred no whit.

    Which, while I forded,–good saints, how I feared
    To set my foot upon a dead man’s cheek,
    Each step, or feel the spear I thrust to seek
    For hollows, tangled in his hair or beard!
    –It may have been a water-rat I speared,
    But, ugh! it sounded like a baby’s shriek.

    Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
    Now for a better country. Vain presage!
    Who were the strugglers, what war did they wage,
    Whose savage trample thus could pad the dank
    Soil to a plash? Toads in a poisoned tank,
    Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage–

    The fight must so have seemed in that fell cirque.
    What penned them there, with all the plain to choose?
    No foot-print leading to that horrid mews,
    None out of it. Mad brewage set to work
    Their brains, no doubt, like galley-slaves the Turk
    Pits for his pastime, Christians against Jews.

    And more than that–a furlong on–why, there!
    What bad use was that engine for, that wheel,
    Or brake, not wheel–that harrow fit to reel
    Men’s bodies out like silk? with all the air
    Of Tophet’s tool, on earth left unaware,
    Or brought to sharpen its rusty teeth of steel.

    Then came a bit of stubbed ground, once a wood,
    Next a marsh, it would seem, and now mere earth
    Desperate and done with; (so a fool finds mirth,
    Makes a thing and then mars it, till his mood
    Changes and off he goes!) within a rood–
    Bog, clay and rubble, sand and stark black dearth.

    Now blotches rankling, coloured gay and grim,
    Now patches where some leanness of the soil’s
    Broke into moss or substances like boils;
    Then came some palsied oak, a cleft in him
    Like a distorted mouth that splits its rim
    Gaping at death, and dies while it recoils.

    And just as far as ever from the end!
    Nought in the distance but the evening, nought
    To point my footstep further! At the thought,
    A great black bird, Apollyon’s bosom-friend,
    Sailed past, nor beat his wide wing dragon-penned
    That brushed my cap–perchance the guide I sought.

    For, looking up, aware I somehow grew,
    ‘Spite of the dusk, the plain had given place
    All round to mountains–with such name to grace
    Mere ugly heights and heaps now stolen in view.
    How thus they had surprised me,–solve it, you!
    How to get from them was no clearer case.

    Yet half I seemed to recognise some trick
    Of mischief happened to me, God knows when–
    In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then,
    Progress this way. When, in the very nick
    Of giving up, one time more, came a click
    As when a trap shuts–you’re inside the den!

    Burningly it came on me all at once,
    This was the place! those two hills on the right,
    Crouched like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
    While to the left, a tall scalped mountain . . . Dunce,
    Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
    After a life spent training for the sight!

    What in the midst lay but the Tower itself?
    The round squat turret, blind as the fool’s heart
    Built of brown stone, without a counterpart
    In the whole world. The tempest’s mocking elf
    Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf
    He strikes on, only when the timbers start.

    Not see? because of night perhaps?–why, day
    Came back again for that! before it left,
    The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
    The hills, like giants at a hunting, lay
    Chin upon hand, to see the game at bay,–
    “Now stab and end the creature–to the heft!”

    Not hear? when noise was everywhere! it tolled
    Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
    Of all the lost adventurers my peers,–
    How such a one was strong, and such was bold,
    And such was fortunate, yet each of old
    Lost, lost! one moment knelled the woe of years.

    There they stood, ranged along the hillsides, met
    To view the last of me, a living frame
    For one more picture! in a sheet of flame
    I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
    Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
    And blew. “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.

    ~ Robert Browning(1855.)

  • Nominated for Mentor of the Year

    in 2007, I mentored a couple of QUT final year journalism student.

    One nominated me as Mentor of the Year.
    (more…)

  • The more is hidden, the more appears

    The more is hidden, the more appears

  • Anthem For Doomed Youth

    What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
    Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
    Only the stuttering rifles’ rapid rattle
    Can patter out their hasty orisons.
    No mockeries for them; no prayers nor bells,
    Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,—
    The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
    And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

    What candles may be held to speed them all?
    Not in the hands of boys, but in their eyes
    Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.
    The pallor of girls’ brows shall be their pall;
    Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
    And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

    ~ Wilfred Owen (1893-1918)

  • We are what we think

    We are what we think.

    All that we are arises with our thoughts.

    With our thoughts we make the world.

    – Bhudda

  • The Death-Bed

    IMGP2149 jacaranda cemetery

    He drowsed and was aware of silence heaped
    Round him, unshaken as the steadfast walls;
    Aqueous like floating rays of amber light,
    Soaring and quivering in the wings of sleep.
    Silence and safety; and his mortal shore
    Lipped by the inward, moonless waves of death.

    Someone was holding water to his mouth.
    He swallowed, unresisting; moaned and dropped
    Through crimson gloom to darkness; and forgot
    The opiate throb and ache that was his wound.
    Water—calm, sliding green above the weir.
    Water—a sky-lit alley for his boat,
    Bird- voiced, and bordered with reflected flowers
    And shaken hues of summer; drifting down,
    He dipped contented oars, and sighed, and slept.

    Night, with a gust of wind, was in the ward,
    Blowing the curtain to a glimmering curve.
    Night. He was blind; he could not see the stars
    Glinting among the wraiths of wandering cloud;
    Queer blots of colour, purple, scarlet, green,
    Flickered and faded in his drowning eyes.

    Rain—he could hear it rustling through the dark;
    Fragrance and passionless music woven as one;
    Warm rain on drooping roses; pattering showers
    That soak the woods; not the harsh rain that sweeps
    Behind the thunder, but a trickling peace,
    Gently and slowly washing life away.

    He stirred, shifting his body; then the pain
    Leapt like a prowling beast, and gripped and tore
    His groping dreams with grinding claws and fangs.
    But someone was beside him; soon he lay
    Shuddering because that evil thing had passed.
    And death, who’d stepped toward him, paused and stared.

    Light many lamps and gather round his bed.
    Lend him your eyes, warm blood, and will to live.
    Speak to him; rouse him; you may save him yet.
    He’s young; he hated War; how should he die
    When cruel old campaigners win safe through?

    But death replied: ‘I choose him.’ So he went,
    And there was silence in the summer night;
    Silence and safety; and the veils of sleep.
    Then, far away, the thudding of the guns.

    Siegfried Sassoon

    WWI poem quoted on Numb3rs

  • Mountain Forest in the mist

    Light rain, the mountain forest
    Is wrapped in mist,
    Slowly the fog changes
    To clouds and haze.
    Along the boundless river bank,
    Many crows.
    I walk to a hill overlooking the valley
    To sit in zazen.
    – Ryokan (1758-1831)

  • Growing slowly

    Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still.

    – chinese proverb

  • Paths to the top

    There are many paths to the top of the mountain – but the view is always the same.

    – chinese proverb